


Swerve the Handshake

by lululawrence



Category: BBC Radio 1 RPF, One Direction (Band)
Genre: Banter, Basically, Canon Compliant, Crack, Humor, M/M, discussion of the coronavirus, that is literally all this is
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-14
Updated: 2020-03-14
Packaged: 2021-02-28 23:00:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,308
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23135035
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lululawrence/pseuds/lululawrence
Summary: There's a pandemic afoot and social distancing is being recommended for everyone, but what is to be done to still greet people with respect whilst avoiding the handshake?Scott and Chris have ideas, and Grimmy becomes attached to a particular suggestion.
Relationships: Nick Grimshaw/Louis Tomlinson
Comments: 8
Kudos: 61





	Swerve the Handshake

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! Yes, this is ridiculous and I'm so glad you're all indulging me by even clicking the link to this fantastically self-indulgent ficlet. I had such fun writing it and hope you enjoy it!
> 
> Just FYI, I did in fact write this entire thing _and_ have it betaed before Greg James went out and made this semi-canon and yes I did in fact have a minor meltdown over that fact. Thanks so much, Gregory. Despite that, I don't actually know any of these people and this is just a load of silly fic. I did swipe the title from Greg's podcast, though.
> 
> Thank you to my amazingly kind beta and brit pick, [Nicola](https://missytearex.tumblr.com) and [Chelle](https://aslowmotionaccident.tumblr.com). All remaining mistakes are mine and mine alone.
> 
> Please do not post this anywhere else and I am currently not allowing translations of my stories. Thank you for understanding, and I hope you enjoy!

“Coming at four will be our very own Nicholas Grimshaw, who just happens to be in the studio with us right now to say hello,” Scott said as Nick got himself situated in his seat. 

“Yes, hello,” Nick said, grinning widely at Scott and Chris. “I was told it would be massive amounts of fun if I joined you, so I couldn’t just ignore that now, could I?”

“Oh absolutely not. Now, I’m sure you’ve heard how we are being advised not to touch others if we can help it.” Scott could barely finish the sentence before he started laughing. “I do wonder if that’s advice for others more than us. I mean, we are English. We don’t much like touching others if we can help it anyway.”

“It’s true,” Chris said, finally speaking a bit. “I mean, we as a people very much do value our personal space.”

“We do, we do.” Scott nodded sagely. Nick was still waiting to hear why he had been requested to join them. “But now we need a new way of greeting people since the shaking of hands is not allowed.”

“I mean, I thought we would all just adopt what you do when it’s flu season, which it technically still is,” Chris said. 

“Ooh, are you talking about how he wears gloves and refuses to touch any door handles?” Nick asked, leaning forward. He loved taking the mick out of Scott, and making fun of his slightly germaphobic ways is a prime opportunity to do so. 

“Yes!” Chris said excitedly, pointing at Nick to emphasise his point. 

“You can make fun of me for that all you want but it works, doesn’t it?” Scott argued. “Anyway, anyway. That’s not what this is about. I have a serious question for everyone and some of our listeners have already given some options.”

“Okay, let’s hear what this is all about then.” Nick was definitely interested in seeing where this was going. 

“Well we are looking for alternatives to the handshake,” Scott said, sitting up straight to impart his wisdom. 

“Does a wave no longer work?” Chris asked. 

Nick wasn’t entirely sure if he did so because he really was curious or if he was just trying to rile Scott up more. It was a conundrum Nick often dealt with and even after knowing him for years he still rarely came to a conclusion. 

“A wave works for more casual situations, but what about something more formal? Say a business meeting or a wedding? You can’t just wave at your guests, can you?”

“I don’t see why not,” Chris argued. “They’d understand, I’m sure.”

Nick figured he should interrupt right about now if he wanted the segment to end before his own show was meant to start. “Okay, so what alternatives have already been suggested?”

“Thank you for asking, Grimmy.” Scott looked at the notes he had taken. “Kieran from Milton Keynes suggested we all use the  _ live long and prosper _ hand signal that Spock uses in Star Trek and I have to say that while I like that one, in light of the situation with coronavirus, it does seem quite morbid, don’t you think?”

“Yeah,” Nick agreed. “I’m not sure that’s the kind of vibe you want at your wedding, though depending on the business meeting it might work quite well.”

“Oh, God,” Chris said, laughing. “What kind of business meeting are you thinking of?”

“Okay okay okay, let’s stay on topic here,” Scott said, banging on the desk to really get their attention back on him. “We are quickly running out of time and we have to get to my favourite suggestions.”

“Why don’t you skip right to those, then?” Chris suggested. 

“Fine.” Scott sighed and shuffled the papers before his overexcited smile lit up his face again. “Oh, yes. I’m a personal fan of this one. Sarah from Newcastle said we should all adopt jazz hands to greet each other at these more formal events.” 

“Oh my God,” Chris moaned. 

“No, I quite like this one too,” Nick said. “Don’t say no just yet, Chris. Imagine going to see your lawyer and instead of a cheeky handshake, you greet them with jazz hands. It makes everything much more pleasant, I think.”

“Okay, I can see that, but I also don’t know that I could ever look them in the face again after that. And why are you going to see your lawyer on the regular, Grim?”

“It was a random example,” Nick said, laughing. 

“Sure it was.” Chris winked at Nick causing him to laugh even harder. “What’s the last one you’ve got for us?”

“The last one is the best, in my personal opinion. It’s quite the throwback,” Scott says, a twinkle in his eye. “I think Grim is going to love it.”

“Oh?” Nick was smiling wide, trying to figure out what it could possibly be. “Go on, then.”

“Well, Martin from Swansea reckons we should start to bow and curtsy as if we are in a Jane Austen novel. He even had rules prepared for the proper way to go about it. For example, the first person to do the greeting would bow and the responding person would curtsy. It wouldn’t matter what gender either person is, the first would always bow and the second would always curtsy.”

“Oh, I do love a good curtsy,” Nick said excitedly. 

“I’d like to see this in action, I think,” Chris said as he twirled in his chair a little bit. “I think you two should be the first to demonstrate. I’ll even allow myself off my current Insta-ban and put it up there so everyone can enjoy the visuals.”

“Yes,” Nick said, immediately standing up. “It’s been a while since I’ve been in the same vicinity as the royals so my curtsy is rusty, but let’s do this.”

“Oh, so I’ve got to start it with a bow, is that it?” Scott asked, straightening his shirt and hair so he would look alright on the video. 

“Obviously,” Nick replies. “I’m going to require everyone bow to me first so I can always greet people with a curtsy.”

“Or what? You’ll just stand there and wait?” Scott asked, laughing so hard he was bent over a little bit. 

“Yes, of course,” Nick said, faking a pompous accent. “Chris, have your phone ready? I am primed for my curtsy’s debut on live radio.”

“For those of you who aren’t in the studio with us, I must have you know that Nick is practically bouncing in his excitement and I cannot tell if Scott is jealous or relieved that he will only be performing a bow.”

Scott flipped Chris off, and everyone in the room laughed and cheered in response. 

“Yes, well, I’m sure you heard the response, but since you couldn’t see it, Scott just made a rude gesture at me. He’s very lucky I wasn’t streaming live just yet,” Chris teased. 

“Just get on with it, the show is almost over,” Scott said, a whine creeping into his voice a little bit. 

“Alright, alright. You lads ready?” Chris asked as he held up his phone and leaned back to be sure to get them both in the frame. 

“I was born ready,” Nick said, laughing. 

“Same, obviously. Just two queens ready to bow and curtsy at each other in the name of health,” Scott said, his smile wide. 

“Alright, and we are live!”

Chris continued to speak, narrating every minuscule move either of them made as Scott performed a very deep, fairly flourished bow. Nick couldn’t hold back his giggles as he slid his right leg behind his left, bent them slowly, and moved his hands to hold out his imaginary skirts. 

That was when it all went wrong. 

“Oh no, he’s down! Grimmy’s down!” Chris yelled through Nick and Scott’s laughter. Nick kept trying to sit up but he gave up after a moment so he could try to stop laughing at himself. 

“I’m wounded! I’ll never recover!” Nick called out, hoping it would be caught on the microphones. “All from a curtsy to save me from the pandemic!”

“I think, oh my God.” Chris cackled into the microphone a little longer before he was able to pull himself together again. “I think Grimmy needs to work on his curtsy he supposedly loves so much.”

“Yes, my balance wasn’t right at all,” Nick agreed, allowing Scott to help him up. “And with that, I must be going because it’s two minutes to four. See you soon!”

Nick rushed out of their studio and towards his own, determined to work on his curtsy over the next several hours.

*~~***~~*

When Nick got home he could immediately tell Louis had been there. He’d been expecting it seeing as they had stayed at Louis’ place last night, and based on the fact that Piggy and Stinky weren’t trying to lead him to the kitchen for food, Louis had done as promised and fed them. The surprise was that a large piece of white paper was sat folded and taped to the wall in front of him. 

“If this ruins the paint job,” Nick muttered under his breath whilst he carefully unstuck the paper. Thankfully the paint looked untouched. 

Smiling at the paper, Nick took in Louis’ messy scrawl spelling what was likely meant to say  _ Nick _ and the arrow pointing to where he was meant to open the paper, mirroring the note Nick had left for Louis before he’d left for the gym that morning. However, when he opened the note, it wasn’t the same heartfelt message Nick had left for Louis at all. 

_ You’re a ridiculous sap _

Laughing in surprise, Nick took the paper and walked to his room where, once again, a surprise was waiting for him. 

Sitting on the table beside his bed was a very large photo of Louis. It was obviously a little older as it showed him sporting a haircut he’d had whilst he was a judge for the X Factor, but it was very high quality and ridiculously over the top all the same. 

Nick pulled his phone out and snapped a photo before sending it to Louis with no explanation. Once he had tossed his phone onto the bed, he went to change into some comfortable joggers and a t-shirt. He had incredibly elaborate plans involving Chinese take away and his boyfriend. 

“You like that then?” Louis called out before slamming Nick’s door shut. 

“What in the world possessed you to do such a thing?” Nick asked, walking to where Piggy was giving Louis an even more enthusiastic welcome home than she’d given Nick mere moments ago. The traitor. 

“Wanted to be sure you wouldn’t miss me,” Louis said with a wink from where he was crouched down petting the dogs. “Did you get my note?”

Nick rolled his eyes. “Yes, I did. Load of good my own heartfelt note was considering you only made fun in yours.”

“Oi, mine was heartfelt as well!”

Rolling his eyes, Nick walked towards the kitchen to find the menu for their favourite Chinese. “I tell you I love you in mine and you responded with name-calling and a massive photo on my nightstand.”

“I also am responding with this.”

Nick turned around expecting flowers or something else over the top because really, Louis was one to try to spoil Nick before leaving for longer periods of time. With tour starting soon, even with so much up in the air due to the horrific timing of the worldwide state of emergency, Louis was likely to be away for quite some time over the next several months. 

Louis’ hands were empty, though. Before Nick could ask what Louis meant, Louis bent at the waist and performed a perfect, low bow. 

“Oh my God, you were listening?” Nick asked, clapping his hands excitedly. “I thought rehearsal wasn’t meant to end until at least five?”

“Didn’t need to listen live, love,” Louis said once he’d straightened. “Chris’ video of the two of you was all over Radio 1’s socials and your own Insta stories had your wonderful attempts at curtsies as well. Speaking of, I have bowed for you. Are you not going to respond with a curtsy?”

“Oh, I’m sorry. Of course I am!” Nick smiles widely before bowing his head and dipping down into an only slightly wobbly curtsy. 

“That was wonderful,” Louis said with applause. “I definitely think you and Scott are on to something with this being the new way to greet people.”

“You aren’t being serious,” Nick said with a laugh. 

“No, I’m not,” Louis said, finally walking the rest of the way to Nick. “But I love how excited you were about it.”

“I’m going to recruit Greg as well,” Nick said as he leaned down for a soft welcome kiss. “I’m sure he will be able to get the entirety of Britain back to bows and curtsies by next week.”

“Mm, I’m sure he will.” Louis leaned in with another kiss before pulling back all too soon. “Just let me know when you’re in the mood for a curtsy and I’ll be sure to bow for you anytime,” he promised as he left the kitchen. 

“I don’t deserve you,” Nick called after him. 

“I know,” Louis teased. “Get me the King Pao pork, will you? I’ve got one last phone call to make and then I’m yours for the night.”

Nick smiled as he considered how indulgent Louis was of him and made sure to order not just the pork, but his favorite spring rolls as well. After all, Louis was willing to bow as often as Nick wanted just so he could return it with a curtsy, all because of a silly joke to do with a rather scary virus. He was lucky indeed.

**Author's Note:**

> lolllllll yeah, i love you for reading this. Please feel free to leave a kind comment, kudos, and possibly even give my [fic post](https://lululawrence.tumblr.com/post/612524169576546304/swerve-the-handshake-by-lululawrence-nick) a cheeky reblog :D


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